Merry Christmas, Dad.

Dear Dad,

It is Christmas Eve and, like every year, I am sitting by the fire next to the white-lit Christmas tree in your house. Unlike every single Christmas Eve, I am so full of sadness. I miss you so very much. I want to have a beer with you. I want to hear about what you got mom for Christmas. I want to see you out shoveling your driveway. I just want you to be here. 

I didn't know last Christmas was my last with you. It seems unfair that I wasn't given the opportunity to really treasure last year. I wasn't warned about the pain I would feel. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. 

I miss you Dad. 

But .....

I know you would want us to have fun. I know that you would want it to be about the kids. So I will go forth in your memory and do that. Because you did everything for us. 

I love you. 

Merry Christmas, Dad. 

Love your sunshine. 

When will it get easier?

Dear Dad,

Some days, like today, the pain is so heavy that is hard to breath. I miss you more than I ever believed it was possible to miss someone. I am in a lonely, dark place, still trying to navigate this world without you. Barely managing. Amidst all the Chriatmas bustle, I just want one thing. 

I want my dad. 

I want my dad. 

I am not sure how we will get through the holidays without you.  Mom is broken. The kids still miss you terribly. The void you left will never be filled.  Our family will never be whole again. 

Clearly, Dad, I'm having a rough time. You've been gone 7 months and so far, not much is getting easier. Yes, there is an ok day now and then.  But that is all. 

I want my dad. 

Love your sunshine. 

6 months later ....

Hi Dad,

We are approaching the 6 month mark of living without you and I can say that it still sucks, a lot.  I can't believe that I haven't seen you, or enjoyed a conversation with you in 6 months.  I have meagrely navigated life without my beacon that always flashed quietly and steadily in the distance of my daily life.  You were always there when I needed you.  Now, there is a vacancy that causes sadness, stress, emptiness, loneliness, some anxiety and a great deal of pain. 

I don't blog very often.  Because it takes me to a very sad and painful place that I need to have the time and emotional capacity to handle.  And life is just too busy and demanding to be able to do that very often.  The kids keep me busy.  Mateo is struggling a bit with his behaviour at school.  He has been less than respectful and well-behaved these past months.  He has made bad decisions that land him in the principals office.  We worry about him and I often wish you were here to talk to him.  He has lost one of the most wonderful role models a little boy could ever have.  And he is sad.  He misses his Grandpa every day.  He talks about you every day.  He still cries a lot.

I talk to him about integrity and honor.  I tell him that those are the things that Grandpa had and that we must all live up to what he was and what he taught us to be.  He seems to understand and some days I think he is really trying. I don't really worry for his long term well being because I think he does have a good heart and will find his way.  He will always hold his memories of you close to his heart.  He talks about when you 'babysat' him on a sick day, just one month before you died.  He wasn't really that sick and you spent the day with him and made him do some 'homework' that you prepared for him.  While Mateo pretended to think it was unfair, I know he actually enjoyed your pseudo-strict act with him.   That day, you made him lunch and told him stories of your days in the RCMP over lunch.  You told him about the criminals and the prison at the police station and he listened so intently that he had nightmares that night.  That was you Dad, a devoted Grandpa, a passionate ex-RCMP officer, a man of true integrity and honor.

How lucky we all were to call you our own dad, grandpa, husband, father-in-law.  You taught us that if you live your life well, you will live on forever.

 

I am grateful for you.  You made me happy.  You still nourish my soul, Dad, and guide me through life by the lessons you taught me, the way you lived, the man you were.

 

I love you and miss you so much, still, 6 months later.

 

Love your sunshine.

My 'Dad' running playlist

Hi Dad,

I know you would be a bit disappointed to hear that I quit teaching Zumba when you died.  You were so supportive of me teaching Zumba .... but well, you were supportive of everything I did.  But you see, Zumba requires a lot of positive, happy, energy.  And I have not had much of that since you left.  I can report now that I am doing ok - most days.  I miss you every single day and think about you all the time but I can usually get through a day without tears now.  Most days.  But back to Zumba - that is done for me.  I don't think I will ever be the happy, carefree, dancing soul I once was.  But that is ok.  After you left, I started running.  Yes.  Me.  As you know, I am no runner.  But I found it to be a great release of negative energy, anger, sadness ... all those things that I feel so much more now.  I started with running one minute and walking one minute.  I found I could go a long way on that rhythm.  And now ... get this .... I can actually run about 6.5 km non-stop ... most days :-)

You are so with me when I am running, Dad.  I feel you and ... I see you.  Down by the river, I often see this Great Blue Heron and somehow, ridiculous as it sounds, I think it is you.  You visit me on my run every once in a while and it makes me cry and smile at the same time.  I caught a photo of you one morning ....

But what I really wanted to tell you about is my running music playlist.  I listen to the same songs every run and each one speaks to me in a special way.  So here they are:

Track 1:  Everybody has a story by Amanda Marshall

This one just reminds me that I am not the only one who is suffering.

"Everybody's got a story that will break your heart"

My heart is broken.   But I am not alone.  That is what I take from this song.

Track 2:  I Run for Life by Melissa Etheridge

I started listening to this one back in 2006 when you were first diagnosed with Prostate cancer.  I started running the father's day 5k run back then and did it every year (except 2007) up until this past year after you died.  But the song still lifts me up and reminds me why I run ....

"I run for hope, I run to feel, I run for the truth, for all that real ...."

The song starts out saying "It's been years since they told me about it" ....

I remember that day sitting at the kitchen table in your house and mom telling me that "Dad has cancer".  I felt like I would die myself if I lost you.  Somehow, I was given another 8 years with you after that .... something I am so grateful for.  Someday it will be years since they told me about it ... when they said those horrible words to me "I'm sorry, he is gone".  I will never be the same again but hopefully it won't be as painful someday ... someday.

Track 3:  Non siamo soli by Eros Ramazziotti and Ricky Martin

Ok, that is just a fun, happy, song by two cute gay guys.    It still makes me feel like dancing, even in my sadness.

Track 4:  Ni Una Sola Palabra by Paulina Rubio

Another fun one.  But this one brings me right back to Madrid in 2007-2008 when we lived there and you and mom came to visit.  That was a difficult year and I know that trip was painful for you to make.  You hated travelling and had zero desire to go to Spain.  But you did it for me and it meant so much.  I am not sure you ever knew how much it meant to me, actually.

Track 5:  December, 1963 (Oh, what a night) by The Four Seasons

This one make s me imagine you and mom as young adults, meeting for the first time, falling in love, living a carefree, happy life together with so much future ahead of you.  It is yours and moms 'era' and I imagine you two laughing, dancing and basking in the possibilities of your future. 

Track 6:  Inner Ninja by Classified

The run is usually getting harder by now and this song gets me going.  It talks about hard times and rising above it all.  It is a bit gangster ... but you know me .... :-)

"Hey yo, I've been high and I've been real low
I've been beaten and broken but I healed though
So many ups and downs, roughed up and clowned
We all got problems, but we deal though
I'm tryin' to do better now, find my inner peace
Learn my art form, and find my inner Chi
When my backs on the wall, I don't freeze up
Nah, I find my inner strength and I re-up
Here we go, I know I've never been the smartest or wisest
But I realize what it takes
Never dwell in the dark cause the sun always rises
But gotta make it to the next day
It's a feeling that you get in your lungs when you run
Like you're runnin' outta air and your breath won't come
And you (uh) wheezin', gotta keep it movin'
Find that extra (uhn) and push your way through it"

Track 7:  Shine a Light by Jeremy Fisher

This one just lets me know that you are near, and that you will shine your light on me when I need it.  It reminds me that I am starting over.  That life is completely different now and that I sometimes don't even know what I am looking for.  But you ... shine a little light when I need it the most.

"How will you find what you've been lookin' for
If it's nothing that you've seen before
How will you find what you've been lookin' for
If you're starting it over
Starting it over again"

Track 8:  Imma Be Cool by Cody Simpson

Ah, a teeny-bopper track.  How could I not have one of these?  But this one gets to me because it is so Maelyn and it makes me feel close to her when I am running.  You would love to hear her singing this to herself in her room.  She is cool, Dad.

Track 9:  Get out the map by the Indigo Girls

So, here is why this one is in there.   As you know, I was an anxious home-body of a child.  I got homesick just going to school each day.  The reason for that is because you and mom made home such a comfortable, happy, supportive, safe place.  So it is your fault.  But then, who would have thought it, but off I went to Africa, South America, China etc. ..... once I became an adult.  And you and mom were again, so supportive.  How blessed I was.  Really.

This song reminds me of that, and also reminds me that I need to be that for Maelyn and Mateo.  I hope they go off and see the world, take risks and find their true selves.  Just like you let me do.

Track 10: O-O-H Child by The Five Stairsteps

I am usually very tired by this time.  Sometimes teary too.  And I just need to be told that it will get better.  When I first heard this song after you left, I couldn't stop crying.  I think I didn't believe that things could ever really get better.  But just a couple days ago, when I got to this song I actually thought to myself "ok, yes, things are getting a little easier".  So there is hope.

"Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter
Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter
Some day, yeah
We'll get it together and we'll get it all done
Some day
When your head is much lighter
Some day, yeah
We'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun
Some day
When the world is much brighter"

Track 11:  I'm Alright by Kenny Loggins

Then this one comes on and I am pumped to keep going and finish the run.  I don't think there is a song that makes me want to dance as much as this one.  It brings me back to 1996 when I moved out of your house to live with Alison.  What a time of transition that was.  She introduced me to Kenny Loggins and this song.  We danced around our little apartment many, many a day.

"I'm alright.  Nobody worry 'bout me ....."

Track 12:  Summertime of our lives by Cody Simpson

Another Cody Simpson.  Maelyn sang this song a lot after you died.  She felt the words spoke to her.  Even though it is a teenage love song, she would sing it to you with modified words to say:

Wherever you are, no matter how far, I promise that I won't give up on you.
They say out of sight, means out of mind but they couldn't be farther from the truth.
Because I still love you ........ Grandpa

By this time, I am usually nearing the end of the run.

Track 12:  Conviction of the Heart by Kenny Loggins

Yes, that's right.  Another Kenny Loggins.  But it gets me through ....

"One with the Earth, with the sky
I believe we'll survive
If we only try ...."


So that is my dad running playlist.  It is very personal and I am quite sure it would not speak to anyone else the way it speaks to me.  I makes me feel close to you, thinking positively and moving towards a place of healing.  So dad, I will keep running and I will keep an eye out for you each time.

I miss you so much.

Love,
your sunshine

"What will it be without you"

 

Dear Dad,

 

Mateo misses you.  He wrote this letter to you and said he was going to put it out by the bird feeder and that you would answer him.  It is so hard to lose such an incredible grandfather, role model, protector .... someone who gave so much unconditional love.  He has wonderful memories with you.  It is just that none of us understand "how it will be without you".  Not yet anyway.

 

Love your sunshine.

xo

 

 

Dear Grandpa,

 

If you get it when I pray

If you see me from up there

I miss you and I love you

You loved me and cared about me

What will it be without you?

 

 

 

Coming home

Hi Dad,

We got home from our European vacation about 10 days ago and I must say, I am glad to be home.  Being on holiday was surprisingly miserable for me.  Because I thought of you constantly.  And cried a lot.

Now, I am back home, back to work, back to the routine of life and keeping busy.  Just the way I like it.  Just the way you liked it too.  You were not a traveller.  No desire to be anywhere other than in your home, in your neighbourhood, in your city, with your family.  When I reflect on that now, I think you must have been incredibly at peace with your life.  You were not someone to search for things.  You didn't need adventure and new sights and sounds all the time.

I think that is awesome.  In the real and literal sense of the word ... awesome.  It is rare and unique and undervalued and special.

I learned so much from you, Dad.  A lot of which I am learning now, after you are gone.

I miss you so much.  I think of you a million times a day and just want to pick up the phone and call you.  I want to tell you about my day.  I want to tell you about my experiences and hear the pride and interest in your voice. 

I want to be home.  I mean, home in my heart.  I am in a foreign place as I walk through the world without you.  Nothing feels right or comfortable without you.

I hear that time heals.  So I will wait.

I love you, Dad.
Your sunshine
xo

How did you manage?

Dear Dad,

I think back on your life before I was part of it. You told me some stories when I'd ask. I learned about events and some people. But I never asked how you managed it all.  How did you manage the loss of your mother and father when you were just in your twenties, a newly wed and young Mountie starting a family of your own?  I have never heard a single word of you losing it or getting depressed or finding it hard to cope. And I am sure it was hard to cope. I think that was also around the same time you were diagnosed with type 1 Diabetes. And only a few years earlier, your friend and colleague was shot on duty - in a situation that could easily have been you.  How much can a person handle?  I am barely handling the loss of you from my world.  How did you do it?

I never really knew my grandparents - your mom and dad. But I know they were good people. Kind, loving, supportive, family people. And I know they did a hell of a job raising you to be the person you were. In a time that was certainly more difficult than I have ever known. 

Maybe my generation is just weak.  What do you think?  I wish you were here to have this conversation. But if I imagine it in my head, I think you would brush things off with the attitude of you just did what you had to do at the time. That was you. Never complaining about the struggle. A just-do-it kind of man. 

And you were never the kind of person to complain about "kids these days" either. You never made my brother and I feel ungrateful or anything less than exceptional actually. Man, we were so lucky to have you as our dad. 

I think the diabetes was the hardest thing for you to accept in your 71 years. What I blow that must have been when they told you and mom 46 years ago. It was a huge part of our family life. It was hard on all of us. My childhood was shadowed with fear of losing you to this stupid disease. I hated, more than anything, when you would have an insulin reaction. It scared me because you were so different when you were in a reaction. You could get angry and confused and sometimes you looked at me and it was as if you didn't recognize me. But talk about doing what you have to do to survive the struggle. We all did what we had to do because we loved you so much. And I believe you did what you had to do because you loved us. I will always be grateful for the way you managed your disease. You worked hard to stay healthy and as a result, we had you around for a long time - not long enough but still..... My kids were able to know their Grandpa and build important memories. 

All because of the way you managed life. With honour, dutifulness, and integrity.  Without complaint or self-pity. You were never a victim, Dad.  You lived your life until your last day. 

You taught me so much. 

Love your sunshine 

    My mom and dad on their wedding day, with my dad's parents. October 1967

Hey Dad, guess what I saw?

Dear Dad,

We are here in Germany on our Europen family summer holiday. I'd like to say we are having a great time but I am not. There is no such thing as a great time for me anymore, since you left the world. I can only hope that someday there will be something that resembles a great time but for now, I just exist moment to moment, wondering how the hell I will ever be happy again.

Enough gloom though. Every single day I see a dozen things I want to tell you about. In a split second I think about picking up the phone to call you .... then I remember you are gone and I will never again get to have those casual, easy chats with you.  I will never get to tell you about these things I saw in Germany ....

A robotic lawn mower. You would have thought it was so neat, and perhaps your answer to the over-sized lawn that was becoming too much for you to manage. 

Then there was this super cool hybrid motorcycle-scooter-car thing called a MonoTracer. It looks like a covered motorcycle with a front and back seat and it has retractable side wheels that come down when the vehicle stops. We passed one on the street and the kids and I immediately thought of you. It would have been a great topic of conversation with you. I would have looked it up on-line and showed you pictures and you would have smiled with great interest. You were always interested in what was next in the world of cars. 

But I know you loved bikes as much as cars. So yesterday I saw folks from the Smart Car company promoting the Smart Bike. Again, I wanted to talk to you about these. What would you think?  They look pretty sleek but I think they are expensive.

I know you didn't like to travel.  Your diabetes was more difficult to manage when you were out of your routine, especially if it involved different time zones. But, if you were ever to travel to Europe, I know Germeny would be a country you'd like. It is so organized and clean. Right up your alley. 

We would have enjoyed a German beer or two together, Dad. It would have been great. 

Now I need to get used to thinking about how great it could've been.  That sucks.

Love your sunshine

I'll call you if I need you

Dear Dad,

Do you remember when I was a kid and you would put me to bed each night?  Sometimes you'd lay beside me for a few minutes, sometimes you'd read to me, and you'd always kiss me on my forehead and say "Good night, Sunshine". Then, as you'd leave my room to head downstairs again, I would always say "I'll call you if I need you". It was like a security blanket call. As long as those words were said, I felt safe and secure knowing that if I needed you, I could just call out to you and you'd be there right away. I know I used it a few times too - for a glass of water or an extra hug when I was very little. And at every other stage of my life too. I called you to pick me up from a friends house. As I got older, I called you from far away places when I needed your advice, or was homesick. After I moved away from home, I called you from my new apartment when I needed something fixed.  After I was married, I called you when my husband was away and there was a mouse in my basement. I called you to take care of my babies when I needed to get a shower or go out for something. I called you to pick up my kids from school or sit with them when they were home sick from school.  I called you hundreds of times and you were always there, always happy to hear from me and eager to help.

You were my hero, my rock, my home base. You made me feel secure and confident. Nothing was impossible, because I could always call you if I needed you. 

Now you are gone. 

Who will I call if I need help?

I am lost. 

Someday I will find myself again ... perhaps by calling on the 41 years I had with you, and all the strength, love and courage you gave me. 

Love your sunshine

Don't wait ....

Dear Dad,

We were sitting together on that summer evening a few years back, looking out at the muskoka sunset over the lake. I told you that one day, when I am retired, I will spend my days in a setting like this enjoying something creative - painting or making jewellery - doing what I like to do. At that time, I was in a job that brought me no satisfaction.  You surprised me with your firm advice - "don't wait". You told me that there were a lot of things you wished you had done rather than waiting to do when you retired. Like going on a bike tour, maybe through the Cabot trail.  You spoke of regret and that now it was too late for you. It surprised me because you were always of the conservative pursuation - keeping things stable and secure. Not a risk taker. But I heard your advice, loud and clear, and have never forgotten it. 

You died on a Thursday evening. The following days were a blur. Visitors arriving from all parts. Sadness so thick that I couldn't see ahead of myself. Funeral arrangements, phone calls, obituary, sorrow ..... Deep, deep sorrow. Visitation on Monday. Funeral on Tuesday. Goodbyes to visitors.  By the weekend it was silence and emptiness. I went back to work on the Monday. Some thought it was soon and I should take more time but I wanted to get back. I needed a distraction from my new reality. And as you know, I like my "new" job. There is something I am thankful for - that you were alive to see me change jobs to something I enjoy.  I know that it was hard for you to see me in a job I disliked for so long. You advised me not to leave the civil service though - again, your conservative side spoke. I am glad I listened to that. Now I have a job I like, and found my creative pleasures in my on-line jewellery shop, of which you were so supportive.  You were always so supportive of everything I did. Do you know how much strength and confidence you gave me?

I can only hope that now, as a parent myself, that I can give the kids what you and mom gave my brother and I - unconditional love and support. 

What am I going to do now, going forward in life, without you to talk to about things?  No one will listen and love me like you did. I guess I will need to draw on the 41 years I had with you and all the love you gave will carry me through. It won't be easy but it will be ok ................. eventually. 

Love your sunshine

Dear Dad, I miss you.

Dear Dad,

When I was a little girl, you called me your sunshine. You always made me feel so safe, and loved, and protected. How blessed I was to have you as my dad. 

I will never forget that evening in early May.  It was a day I knew would come eventually and I dreaded its arrival. The phone call from mom, the look on Kaya's face, him shaking his head at me when he said "it's your dad". I knew that was it. The dreaded day had arrived. 

The scene was out of a movie and I felt like I was watching from afar. Watching in slow motion as the police officer said the words "I am so sorry for your loss". Mom cried and said "he is gone, Shannon".  I crumpled to the ground as if I'd been puched in the stomach. I wanted so badly for someone to be wrong. I wanted it to be just a close call. I wanted, more than anything, to wake up, shaken with the realization that I needed to treasure each moment with you before you are gone. But that didn't happen. I didn't wake up. It wasn't a mistake. It was real. It was my new reality. You were gone. Really gone. 

I always knew it would be difficult. I wondered how I would go on without you. Now, nearly 3 months have passed and I can say that it is more difficult than I ever could have imagined. I miss you more than can be put into words. Yet, I am hoping that the words I write here will help me heal. Maybe too, if anyone else ever reads them, maybe my journey will help someone else who has lost their dad. Because as much as it aches now, and as much as somedays I think I will never be happy again, I do still have faith that time will heal and that someday I will think of you and not feel my heart is broken into pieces. 

For now, the pain I feel everyday is so deep. It is a hollow and dark feeling like I have never known. Some days, it hurts to breathe. The tear ducts are wide open all the time. Just a thought of you and I feel the pressure and tingling in my face. I swallow hard to fight back tears.  I inhale deeply to try to fill my lungs with oxygen. Trying to replace the pain. Trying to fill the void you have left behind. 

I know you had to go. And I am grateful for the way you went. It was the way a man like you deserved to go. Peacefully. Easily. Gently. In your home. In your sleep. 

But I miss you. So much. 

Love your Sunshine