We are approaching the 6 month mark of living without you and I can say that it still sucks, a lot. I can't believe that I haven't seen you, or enjoyed a conversation with you in 6 months. I have meagrely navigated life without my beacon that always flashed quietly and steadily in the distance of my daily life. You were always there when I needed you. Now, there is a vacancy that causes sadness, stress, emptiness, loneliness, some anxiety and a great deal of pain.
I don't blog very often. Because it takes me to a very sad and painful place that I need to have the time and emotional capacity to handle. And life is just too busy and demanding to be able to do that very often. The kids keep me busy. Mateo is struggling a bit with his behaviour at school. He has been less than respectful and well-behaved these past months. He has made bad decisions that land him in the principals office. We worry about him and I often wish you were here to talk to him. He has lost one of the most wonderful role models a little boy could ever have. And he is sad. He misses his Grandpa every day. He talks about you every day. He still cries a lot.
I talk to him about integrity and honor. I tell him that those are the things that Grandpa had and that we must all live up to what he was and what he taught us to be. He seems to understand and some days I think he is really trying. I don't really worry for his long term well being because I think he does have a good heart and will find his way. He will always hold his memories of you close to his heart. He talks about when you 'babysat' him on a sick day, just one month before you died. He wasn't really that sick and you spent the day with him and made him do some 'homework' that you prepared for him. While Mateo pretended to think it was unfair, I know he actually enjoyed your pseudo-strict act with him. That day, you made him lunch and told him stories of your days in the RCMP over lunch. You told him about the criminals and the prison at the police station and he listened so intently that he had nightmares that night. That was you Dad, a devoted Grandpa, a passionate ex-RCMP officer, a man of true integrity and honor.
How lucky we all were to call you our own dad, grandpa, husband, father-in-law. You taught us that if you live your life well, you will live on forever.
I am grateful for you. You made me happy. You still nourish my soul, Dad, and guide me through life by the lessons you taught me, the way you lived, the man you were.
I love you and miss you so much, still, 6 months later.
Love your sunshine.
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