Hi Dad,
This time of year just sucks. It will always suck. As the buds on trees slowly emerge. As the ground thaws and the birds speak up. These things will always remind me of the saddest, scariest, most awful day of my life. The day you left us. I still find it hard to navigate without you. I wish you were here to see so many things, to talk about life, to share experiences. I need your advice on a couple things dad, but you aren't here to talk to anymore. I need to hear your voice. I need to feel the comfort that came with being beside you. Sometimes I can't find it. I even find it hard to remember and I feel so alone.
Yes, for the most part, I am ok. We are all ok. But somedays I am not ok. Today is one of those days.
What is it like wherever you are? Are you comfortable and happy? Are you peaceful and calm? Are you seeing everything that is happening here in my life? Do you see how Mateo is these days? What do you think? Is he going to be ok? What do you think is going on? Is he just being a regular little boy, testing my limits? Or is something wrong? I would really love to hear what you think. I know you would just take him to the park and play catch with him and he would be so happy. You would take away his burdens, his worries, his troubles. You would let him just be a boy, playing ball and goofing around. You would remind him that it is important to be good. You would joke around with him and trick him into doing the right thing. He looked up to you. He loved hanging out with you. You were one person who just played ... just let him be .... it was so easy and simple and nice.
Life is overwhelming me these days. I feel like I am drowning slowly and can't get my head above water. I am scared and lonely and sad. Hopefully it is just today .... and the pain will pass again.
May 8th approaches. Mother's day. I am dreading it. It never really gets any easier.
All I hope is that you are at peace. You deserve that.
I miss you more than I would ever be able to express. It is a deep wound that will never heal.
Love your sunshine ... not so sunny today :-(
Showing posts with label grandpa. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grandpa. Show all posts
Monday, April 25, 2016
Thursday, May 7, 2015
I am ok
Hi Dad,
How is it possible that I have navigated this world for one whole year without you? Tomorrow, it will be 365 days since you walked on this earth as my dad. One year since you got out of bed to face another day with hip pain and foot pain and that damn diabetes. Another winter came and went even though you weren't here. I was glad you didn't need to shovel snow or walk the dog in the frigid temperatures. But holy crap, do I ever miss you! It has been a hell of a difficult year. I needed you many, many times. I wanted to call you on a million different occasions. I longed to hear your comforting, calm and most loving voice telling me to give you a call if I needed anything. I walk through life without the bullet proof vest I always had. I swim without a life jacket and often feel like I was am driving without a seat belt. I don't actually drive without a seat belt, of course Dad .... I would never do that.
If there is one thing I have learned it is that I can cope with way more shit than I ever thought I would be able to cope with. I am way stronger than I thought I was. I told Maelyn the other day ... "Look at us! One year without Grandpa and we are ok!". It was an expression of complete shock and true gratitude, actually. I never thought I could live without my dad. I really didn't. I always knew I would have to one day but I couldn't even fathom how that would be possible. But it is. And I am ok, Dad. I am ok without you .... because of you. You taught me so much. So much of which seemed to be hidden somewhere in my unconscious and has emerged as needed over the past year. I see the world a bit differently since you died. I see it sort of through your eyes. You had an inherent sense of kindness and trust of people. Not naïve - in fact, just the opposite. You knew something that not everyone knows. You saw people for who they are and treated them with simple kindness and respect they deserved. It was all so natural and easy with you. You didn't need to advertise kindness or tell anyone else how to live. You just lived it. I am not even sure you knew how good you were ... which was maybe what was so amazing about you.
So, we made it through all the "firsts" ... but I am not convinced the seconds will be any easier. I have given up on waiting for it to be better. Now, I accept that things will never again be the same. My world changed on May 8th, 2014. I lost part of my comfort zone and safety net. I lost the constant pride and support you so easily gave me all the time. I lost the one person in the world I felt I could count on one hundred and fifty percent no matter what. But I slowly gained a whole lot of strength over the year and that sustains me now. You, Dad, transitioned from being physically in my life, to being my strength and guide in life. So I am ok. Some days are still brutally difficult but they are really more moments than days now. And I am ok.
Love your sunshine
How is it possible that I have navigated this world for one whole year without you? Tomorrow, it will be 365 days since you walked on this earth as my dad. One year since you got out of bed to face another day with hip pain and foot pain and that damn diabetes. Another winter came and went even though you weren't here. I was glad you didn't need to shovel snow or walk the dog in the frigid temperatures. But holy crap, do I ever miss you! It has been a hell of a difficult year. I needed you many, many times. I wanted to call you on a million different occasions. I longed to hear your comforting, calm and most loving voice telling me to give you a call if I needed anything. I walk through life without the bullet proof vest I always had. I swim without a life jacket and often feel like I was am driving without a seat belt. I don't actually drive without a seat belt, of course Dad .... I would never do that.
If there is one thing I have learned it is that I can cope with way more shit than I ever thought I would be able to cope with. I am way stronger than I thought I was. I told Maelyn the other day ... "Look at us! One year without Grandpa and we are ok!". It was an expression of complete shock and true gratitude, actually. I never thought I could live without my dad. I really didn't. I always knew I would have to one day but I couldn't even fathom how that would be possible. But it is. And I am ok, Dad. I am ok without you .... because of you. You taught me so much. So much of which seemed to be hidden somewhere in my unconscious and has emerged as needed over the past year. I see the world a bit differently since you died. I see it sort of through your eyes. You had an inherent sense of kindness and trust of people. Not naïve - in fact, just the opposite. You knew something that not everyone knows. You saw people for who they are and treated them with simple kindness and respect they deserved. It was all so natural and easy with you. You didn't need to advertise kindness or tell anyone else how to live. You just lived it. I am not even sure you knew how good you were ... which was maybe what was so amazing about you.
So, we made it through all the "firsts" ... but I am not convinced the seconds will be any easier. I have given up on waiting for it to be better. Now, I accept that things will never again be the same. My world changed on May 8th, 2014. I lost part of my comfort zone and safety net. I lost the constant pride and support you so easily gave me all the time. I lost the one person in the world I felt I could count on one hundred and fifty percent no matter what. But I slowly gained a whole lot of strength over the year and that sustains me now. You, Dad, transitioned from being physically in my life, to being my strength and guide in life. So I am ok. Some days are still brutally difficult but they are really more moments than days now. And I am ok.
Love your sunshine
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
6 months later ....
Hi Dad,
We are approaching the 6 month mark of living without you and I can say that it still sucks, a lot. I can't believe that I haven't seen you, or enjoyed a conversation with you in 6 months. I have meagrely navigated life without my beacon that always flashed quietly and steadily in the distance of my daily life. You were always there when I needed you. Now, there is a vacancy that causes sadness, stress, emptiness, loneliness, some anxiety and a great deal of pain.
I don't blog very often. Because it takes me to a very sad and painful place that I need to have the time and emotional capacity to handle. And life is just too busy and demanding to be able to do that very often. The kids keep me busy. Mateo is struggling a bit with his behaviour at school. He has been less than respectful and well-behaved these past months. He has made bad decisions that land him in the principals office. We worry about him and I often wish you were here to talk to him. He has lost one of the most wonderful role models a little boy could ever have. And he is sad. He misses his Grandpa every day. He talks about you every day. He still cries a lot.
I talk to him about integrity and honor. I tell him that those are the things that Grandpa had and that we must all live up to what he was and what he taught us to be. He seems to understand and some days I think he is really trying. I don't really worry for his long term well being because I think he does have a good heart and will find his way. He will always hold his memories of you close to his heart. He talks about when you 'babysat' him on a sick day, just one month before you died. He wasn't really that sick and you spent the day with him and made him do some 'homework' that you prepared for him. While Mateo pretended to think it was unfair, I know he actually enjoyed your pseudo-strict act with him. That day, you made him lunch and told him stories of your days in the RCMP over lunch. You told him about the criminals and the prison at the police station and he listened so intently that he had nightmares that night. That was you Dad, a devoted Grandpa, a passionate ex-RCMP officer, a man of true integrity and honor.
How lucky we all were to call you our own dad, grandpa, husband, father-in-law. You taught us that if you live your life well, you will live on forever.
We are approaching the 6 month mark of living without you and I can say that it still sucks, a lot. I can't believe that I haven't seen you, or enjoyed a conversation with you in 6 months. I have meagrely navigated life without my beacon that always flashed quietly and steadily in the distance of my daily life. You were always there when I needed you. Now, there is a vacancy that causes sadness, stress, emptiness, loneliness, some anxiety and a great deal of pain.
I don't blog very often. Because it takes me to a very sad and painful place that I need to have the time and emotional capacity to handle. And life is just too busy and demanding to be able to do that very often. The kids keep me busy. Mateo is struggling a bit with his behaviour at school. He has been less than respectful and well-behaved these past months. He has made bad decisions that land him in the principals office. We worry about him and I often wish you were here to talk to him. He has lost one of the most wonderful role models a little boy could ever have. And he is sad. He misses his Grandpa every day. He talks about you every day. He still cries a lot.
I talk to him about integrity and honor. I tell him that those are the things that Grandpa had and that we must all live up to what he was and what he taught us to be. He seems to understand and some days I think he is really trying. I don't really worry for his long term well being because I think he does have a good heart and will find his way. He will always hold his memories of you close to his heart. He talks about when you 'babysat' him on a sick day, just one month before you died. He wasn't really that sick and you spent the day with him and made him do some 'homework' that you prepared for him. While Mateo pretended to think it was unfair, I know he actually enjoyed your pseudo-strict act with him. That day, you made him lunch and told him stories of your days in the RCMP over lunch. You told him about the criminals and the prison at the police station and he listened so intently that he had nightmares that night. That was you Dad, a devoted Grandpa, a passionate ex-RCMP officer, a man of true integrity and honor.
How lucky we all were to call you our own dad, grandpa, husband, father-in-law. You taught us that if you live your life well, you will live on forever.
I am grateful for you. You made me happy. You still nourish my soul, Dad, and guide me through life by the lessons you taught me, the way you lived, the man you were.
I love you and miss you so much, still, 6 months later.
Love your sunshine.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
"What will it be without you"
Dear Dad,
Mateo misses you. He wrote this letter to you and said he was going to put it out by the bird feeder and that you would answer him. It is so hard to lose such an incredible grandfather, role model, protector .... someone who gave so much unconditional love. He has wonderful memories with you. It is just that none of us understand "how it will be without you". Not yet anyway.
Love your sunshine.
xo
Dear Grandpa,
If you get it when I pray
If you see me from up there
I miss you and I love you
You loved me and cared about me
What will it be without you?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)