6 months later ....

Hi Dad,

We are approaching the 6 month mark of living without you and I can say that it still sucks, a lot.  I can't believe that I haven't seen you, or enjoyed a conversation with you in 6 months.  I have meagrely navigated life without my beacon that always flashed quietly and steadily in the distance of my daily life.  You were always there when I needed you.  Now, there is a vacancy that causes sadness, stress, emptiness, loneliness, some anxiety and a great deal of pain. 

I don't blog very often.  Because it takes me to a very sad and painful place that I need to have the time and emotional capacity to handle.  And life is just too busy and demanding to be able to do that very often.  The kids keep me busy.  Mateo is struggling a bit with his behaviour at school.  He has been less than respectful and well-behaved these past months.  He has made bad decisions that land him in the principals office.  We worry about him and I often wish you were here to talk to him.  He has lost one of the most wonderful role models a little boy could ever have.  And he is sad.  He misses his Grandpa every day.  He talks about you every day.  He still cries a lot.

I talk to him about integrity and honor.  I tell him that those are the things that Grandpa had and that we must all live up to what he was and what he taught us to be.  He seems to understand and some days I think he is really trying. I don't really worry for his long term well being because I think he does have a good heart and will find his way.  He will always hold his memories of you close to his heart.  He talks about when you 'babysat' him on a sick day, just one month before you died.  He wasn't really that sick and you spent the day with him and made him do some 'homework' that you prepared for him.  While Mateo pretended to think it was unfair, I know he actually enjoyed your pseudo-strict act with him.   That day, you made him lunch and told him stories of your days in the RCMP over lunch.  You told him about the criminals and the prison at the police station and he listened so intently that he had nightmares that night.  That was you Dad, a devoted Grandpa, a passionate ex-RCMP officer, a man of true integrity and honor.

How lucky we all were to call you our own dad, grandpa, husband, father-in-law.  You taught us that if you live your life well, you will live on forever.

 

I am grateful for you.  You made me happy.  You still nourish my soul, Dad, and guide me through life by the lessons you taught me, the way you lived, the man you were.

 

I love you and miss you so much, still, 6 months later.

 

Love your sunshine.

My 'Dad' running playlist

Hi Dad,

I know you would be a bit disappointed to hear that I quit teaching Zumba when you died.  You were so supportive of me teaching Zumba .... but well, you were supportive of everything I did.  But you see, Zumba requires a lot of positive, happy, energy.  And I have not had much of that since you left.  I can report now that I am doing ok - most days.  I miss you every single day and think about you all the time but I can usually get through a day without tears now.  Most days.  But back to Zumba - that is done for me.  I don't think I will ever be the happy, carefree, dancing soul I once was.  But that is ok.  After you left, I started running.  Yes.  Me.  As you know, I am no runner.  But I found it to be a great release of negative energy, anger, sadness ... all those things that I feel so much more now.  I started with running one minute and walking one minute.  I found I could go a long way on that rhythm.  And now ... get this .... I can actually run about 6.5 km non-stop ... most days :-)

You are so with me when I am running, Dad.  I feel you and ... I see you.  Down by the river, I often see this Great Blue Heron and somehow, ridiculous as it sounds, I think it is you.  You visit me on my run every once in a while and it makes me cry and smile at the same time.  I caught a photo of you one morning ....

But what I really wanted to tell you about is my running music playlist.  I listen to the same songs every run and each one speaks to me in a special way.  So here they are:

Track 1:  Everybody has a story by Amanda Marshall

This one just reminds me that I am not the only one who is suffering.

"Everybody's got a story that will break your heart"

My heart is broken.   But I am not alone.  That is what I take from this song.

Track 2:  I Run for Life by Melissa Etheridge

I started listening to this one back in 2006 when you were first diagnosed with Prostate cancer.  I started running the father's day 5k run back then and did it every year (except 2007) up until this past year after you died.  But the song still lifts me up and reminds me why I run ....

"I run for hope, I run to feel, I run for the truth, for all that real ...."

The song starts out saying "It's been years since they told me about it" ....

I remember that day sitting at the kitchen table in your house and mom telling me that "Dad has cancer".  I felt like I would die myself if I lost you.  Somehow, I was given another 8 years with you after that .... something I am so grateful for.  Someday it will be years since they told me about it ... when they said those horrible words to me "I'm sorry, he is gone".  I will never be the same again but hopefully it won't be as painful someday ... someday.

Track 3:  Non siamo soli by Eros Ramazziotti and Ricky Martin

Ok, that is just a fun, happy, song by two cute gay guys.    It still makes me feel like dancing, even in my sadness.

Track 4:  Ni Una Sola Palabra by Paulina Rubio

Another fun one.  But this one brings me right back to Madrid in 2007-2008 when we lived there and you and mom came to visit.  That was a difficult year and I know that trip was painful for you to make.  You hated travelling and had zero desire to go to Spain.  But you did it for me and it meant so much.  I am not sure you ever knew how much it meant to me, actually.

Track 5:  December, 1963 (Oh, what a night) by The Four Seasons

This one make s me imagine you and mom as young adults, meeting for the first time, falling in love, living a carefree, happy life together with so much future ahead of you.  It is yours and moms 'era' and I imagine you two laughing, dancing and basking in the possibilities of your future. 

Track 6:  Inner Ninja by Classified

The run is usually getting harder by now and this song gets me going.  It talks about hard times and rising above it all.  It is a bit gangster ... but you know me .... :-)

"Hey yo, I've been high and I've been real low
I've been beaten and broken but I healed though
So many ups and downs, roughed up and clowned
We all got problems, but we deal though
I'm tryin' to do better now, find my inner peace
Learn my art form, and find my inner Chi
When my backs on the wall, I don't freeze up
Nah, I find my inner strength and I re-up
Here we go, I know I've never been the smartest or wisest
But I realize what it takes
Never dwell in the dark cause the sun always rises
But gotta make it to the next day
It's a feeling that you get in your lungs when you run
Like you're runnin' outta air and your breath won't come
And you (uh) wheezin', gotta keep it movin'
Find that extra (uhn) and push your way through it"

Track 7:  Shine a Light by Jeremy Fisher

This one just lets me know that you are near, and that you will shine your light on me when I need it.  It reminds me that I am starting over.  That life is completely different now and that I sometimes don't even know what I am looking for.  But you ... shine a little light when I need it the most.

"How will you find what you've been lookin' for
If it's nothing that you've seen before
How will you find what you've been lookin' for
If you're starting it over
Starting it over again"

Track 8:  Imma Be Cool by Cody Simpson

Ah, a teeny-bopper track.  How could I not have one of these?  But this one gets to me because it is so Maelyn and it makes me feel close to her when I am running.  You would love to hear her singing this to herself in her room.  She is cool, Dad.

Track 9:  Get out the map by the Indigo Girls

So, here is why this one is in there.   As you know, I was an anxious home-body of a child.  I got homesick just going to school each day.  The reason for that is because you and mom made home such a comfortable, happy, supportive, safe place.  So it is your fault.  But then, who would have thought it, but off I went to Africa, South America, China etc. ..... once I became an adult.  And you and mom were again, so supportive.  How blessed I was.  Really.

This song reminds me of that, and also reminds me that I need to be that for Maelyn and Mateo.  I hope they go off and see the world, take risks and find their true selves.  Just like you let me do.

Track 10: O-O-H Child by The Five Stairsteps

I am usually very tired by this time.  Sometimes teary too.  And I just need to be told that it will get better.  When I first heard this song after you left, I couldn't stop crying.  I think I didn't believe that things could ever really get better.  But just a couple days ago, when I got to this song I actually thought to myself "ok, yes, things are getting a little easier".  So there is hope.

"Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter
Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter
Some day, yeah
We'll get it together and we'll get it all done
Some day
When your head is much lighter
Some day, yeah
We'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun
Some day
When the world is much brighter"

Track 11:  I'm Alright by Kenny Loggins

Then this one comes on and I am pumped to keep going and finish the run.  I don't think there is a song that makes me want to dance as much as this one.  It brings me back to 1996 when I moved out of your house to live with Alison.  What a time of transition that was.  She introduced me to Kenny Loggins and this song.  We danced around our little apartment many, many a day.

"I'm alright.  Nobody worry 'bout me ....."

Track 12:  Summertime of our lives by Cody Simpson

Another Cody Simpson.  Maelyn sang this song a lot after you died.  She felt the words spoke to her.  Even though it is a teenage love song, she would sing it to you with modified words to say:

Wherever you are, no matter how far, I promise that I won't give up on you.
They say out of sight, means out of mind but they couldn't be farther from the truth.
Because I still love you ........ Grandpa

By this time, I am usually nearing the end of the run.

Track 12:  Conviction of the Heart by Kenny Loggins

Yes, that's right.  Another Kenny Loggins.  But it gets me through ....

"One with the Earth, with the sky
I believe we'll survive
If we only try ...."


So that is my dad running playlist.  It is very personal and I am quite sure it would not speak to anyone else the way it speaks to me.  I makes me feel close to you, thinking positively and moving towards a place of healing.  So dad, I will keep running and I will keep an eye out for you each time.

I miss you so much.

Love,
your sunshine

"What will it be without you"

 

Dear Dad,

 

Mateo misses you.  He wrote this letter to you and said he was going to put it out by the bird feeder and that you would answer him.  It is so hard to lose such an incredible grandfather, role model, protector .... someone who gave so much unconditional love.  He has wonderful memories with you.  It is just that none of us understand "how it will be without you".  Not yet anyway.

 

Love your sunshine.

xo

 

 

Dear Grandpa,

 

If you get it when I pray

If you see me from up there

I miss you and I love you

You loved me and cared about me

What will it be without you?

 

 

 

Coming home

Hi Dad,

We got home from our European vacation about 10 days ago and I must say, I am glad to be home.  Being on holiday was surprisingly miserable for me.  Because I thought of you constantly.  And cried a lot.

Now, I am back home, back to work, back to the routine of life and keeping busy.  Just the way I like it.  Just the way you liked it too.  You were not a traveller.  No desire to be anywhere other than in your home, in your neighbourhood, in your city, with your family.  When I reflect on that now, I think you must have been incredibly at peace with your life.  You were not someone to search for things.  You didn't need adventure and new sights and sounds all the time.

I think that is awesome.  In the real and literal sense of the word ... awesome.  It is rare and unique and undervalued and special.

I learned so much from you, Dad.  A lot of which I am learning now, after you are gone.

I miss you so much.  I think of you a million times a day and just want to pick up the phone and call you.  I want to tell you about my day.  I want to tell you about my experiences and hear the pride and interest in your voice. 

I want to be home.  I mean, home in my heart.  I am in a foreign place as I walk through the world without you.  Nothing feels right or comfortable without you.

I hear that time heals.  So I will wait.

I love you, Dad.
Your sunshine
xo

Dear Dad, I miss you.

Dear Dad,

When I was a little girl, you called me your sunshine. You always made me feel so safe, and loved, and protected. How blessed I was to have you as my dad. 

I will never forget that evening in early May.  It was a day I knew would come eventually and I dreaded its arrival. The phone call from mom, the look on Kaya's face, him shaking his head at me when he said "it's your dad". I knew that was it. The dreaded day had arrived. 

The scene was out of a movie and I felt like I was watching from afar. Watching in slow motion as the police officer said the words "I am so sorry for your loss". Mom cried and said "he is gone, Shannon".  I crumpled to the ground as if I'd been puched in the stomach. I wanted so badly for someone to be wrong. I wanted it to be just a close call. I wanted, more than anything, to wake up, shaken with the realization that I needed to treasure each moment with you before you are gone. But that didn't happen. I didn't wake up. It wasn't a mistake. It was real. It was my new reality. You were gone. Really gone. 

I always knew it would be difficult. I wondered how I would go on without you. Now, nearly 3 months have passed and I can say that it is more difficult than I ever could have imagined. I miss you more than can be put into words. Yet, I am hoping that the words I write here will help me heal. Maybe too, if anyone else ever reads them, maybe my journey will help someone else who has lost their dad. Because as much as it aches now, and as much as somedays I think I will never be happy again, I do still have faith that time will heal and that someday I will think of you and not feel my heart is broken into pieces. 

For now, the pain I feel everyday is so deep. It is a hollow and dark feeling like I have never known. Some days, it hurts to breathe. The tear ducts are wide open all the time. Just a thought of you and I feel the pressure and tingling in my face. I swallow hard to fight back tears.  I inhale deeply to try to fill my lungs with oxygen. Trying to replace the pain. Trying to fill the void you have left behind. 

I know you had to go. And I am grateful for the way you went. It was the way a man like you deserved to go. Peacefully. Easily. Gently. In your home. In your sleep. 

But I miss you. So much. 

Love your Sunshine