Don't wait ....

Dear Dad,

We were sitting together on that summer evening a few years back, looking out at the muskoka sunset over the lake. I told you that one day, when I am retired, I will spend my days in a setting like this enjoying something creative - painting or making jewellery - doing what I like to do. At that time, I was in a job that brought me no satisfaction.  You surprised me with your firm advice - "don't wait". You told me that there were a lot of things you wished you had done rather than waiting to do when you retired. Like going on a bike tour, maybe through the Cabot trail.  You spoke of regret and that now it was too late for you. It surprised me because you were always of the conservative pursuation - keeping things stable and secure. Not a risk taker. But I heard your advice, loud and clear, and have never forgotten it. 

You died on a Thursday evening. The following days were a blur. Visitors arriving from all parts. Sadness so thick that I couldn't see ahead of myself. Funeral arrangements, phone calls, obituary, sorrow ..... Deep, deep sorrow. Visitation on Monday. Funeral on Tuesday. Goodbyes to visitors.  By the weekend it was silence and emptiness. I went back to work on the Monday. Some thought it was soon and I should take more time but I wanted to get back. I needed a distraction from my new reality. And as you know, I like my "new" job. There is something I am thankful for - that you were alive to see me change jobs to something I enjoy.  I know that it was hard for you to see me in a job I disliked for so long. You advised me not to leave the civil service though - again, your conservative side spoke. I am glad I listened to that. Now I have a job I like, and found my creative pleasures in my on-line jewellery shop, of which you were so supportive.  You were always so supportive of everything I did. Do you know how much strength and confidence you gave me?

I can only hope that now, as a parent myself, that I can give the kids what you and mom gave my brother and I - unconditional love and support. 

What am I going to do now, going forward in life, without you to talk to about things?  No one will listen and love me like you did. I guess I will need to draw on the 41 years I had with you and all the love you gave will carry me through. It won't be easy but it will be ok ................. eventually. 

Love your sunshine