Approaching two years without you

Hi Dad,

This time of year just sucks.  It will always suck.  As the buds on trees slowly emerge.  As the ground thaws and the birds speak up.  These things will always remind me of the saddest, scariest, most awful day of my life.  The day you left us.  I still find it hard to navigate without you.  I wish you were here to see so many things, to talk about life, to share experiences.  I need your advice on a couple things dad, but you aren't here to talk to anymore.  I need to hear your voice.  I need to feel the comfort that came with being beside you.  Sometimes I can't find it.  I even find it hard to remember and I feel so alone.

Yes, for the most part, I am ok.  We are all ok.  But somedays I am not ok.  Today is one of those days.

What is it like wherever you are?  Are you comfortable and happy?  Are you peaceful and calm?  Are you seeing everything that is happening here in my life?  Do you see how Mateo is these days? What do you think?  Is he going to be ok?  What do you think is going on?  Is he just being a regular little boy, testing my limits?  Or is something wrong?  I would really love to hear what you think.  I know you would just take him to the park and play catch with him and he would be so happy.  You would take away his burdens, his worries, his troubles.  You would let him just be a boy, playing ball and goofing around.  You would remind him that it is important to be good.  You would joke around with him and trick him into doing the right thing.  He looked up to you. He loved hanging out with you.  You were one person who just played ... just let him be .... it was so easy and simple and nice.

Life is overwhelming me these days.  I feel like I am drowning slowly and can't get my head above water.  I am scared and lonely and sad.  Hopefully it is just today .... and the pain will pass again.

May 8th approaches.  Mother's day.  I am dreading it.  It never really gets any easier.

All I hope is that you are at peace.  You deserve that.
I miss you more than I would ever be able to express.  It is a deep wound that will never heal.

Love your sunshine ... not so sunny today :-(

I am ok

Hi Dad,

How is it possible that I have navigated this world for one whole year without you?  Tomorrow, it will be 365 days since you walked on this earth as my dad.  One year since you got out of bed to face another day with hip pain and foot pain and that damn diabetes.  Another winter came and went even though you weren't here.  I was glad you didn't need to shovel snow or walk the dog in the frigid temperatures.  But holy crap, do I ever miss you!  It has been a hell of a difficult year.  I needed you many, many times.  I wanted to call you on a million different occasions.  I longed to hear your comforting, calm and most loving voice telling me to give you a call if I needed anything.  I walk through life without the bullet proof vest I always had.  I swim without a life jacket and often feel like I was am driving without a seat belt.  I don't actually drive without a seat belt, of course Dad .... I would never do that.

If there is one thing I have learned it is that I can cope with way more shit than I ever thought I would be able to cope with.  I am way stronger than I thought I was.  I told Maelyn the other day ... "Look at us!  One year without Grandpa and we are ok!".  It was an expression of complete shock and true gratitude, actually.  I never thought I could live without my dad.  I really didn't.  I always knew I would have to one day but I couldn't even fathom how that would be possible.  But it is.  And I am ok, Dad.  I am ok without you .... because of you.  You taught me so much.  So much of which seemed to be hidden somewhere in my unconscious and has emerged as needed over the past year.  I see the world a bit differently since you died.  I see it sort of through your eyes.  You had an inherent sense of kindness and trust of people.  Not naïve - in fact, just the opposite.  You knew something that not everyone knows.  You saw people for who they are and treated them with simple kindness and respect they deserved.  It was all so natural and easy with you.  You didn't need to advertise kindness or tell anyone else how to live.  You just lived it.  I am not even sure you knew how good you were ... which was maybe what was so amazing about you.

So, we made it through all the "firsts" ... but I am not convinced the seconds will be any easier.  I have given up on waiting for it to be better.  Now, I accept that things will never again be the same.  My world changed on May 8th, 2014.  I lost part of my comfort zone and safety net.  I lost the constant pride and support you so easily gave me all the time.  I lost the one person in the world I felt I could count on one hundred and fifty percent no matter what.  But I slowly gained a whole lot of strength over the year and that sustains me now.  You, Dad, transitioned from being physically in my life, to being my strength and guide in life.  So I am ok.  Some days are still brutally difficult but they are really more moments than days now.  And I am ok.

Love your sunshine

I'll call you if I need you

Dear Dad,

Do you remember when I was a kid and you would put me to bed each night?  Sometimes you'd lay beside me for a few minutes, sometimes you'd read to me, and you'd always kiss me on my forehead and say "Good night, Sunshine". Then, as you'd leave my room to head downstairs again, I would always say "I'll call you if I need you". It was like a security blanket call. As long as those words were said, I felt safe and secure knowing that if I needed you, I could just call out to you and you'd be there right away. I know I used it a few times too - for a glass of water or an extra hug when I was very little. And at every other stage of my life too. I called you to pick me up from a friends house. As I got older, I called you from far away places when I needed your advice, or was homesick. After I moved away from home, I called you from my new apartment when I needed something fixed.  After I was married, I called you when my husband was away and there was a mouse in my basement. I called you to take care of my babies when I needed to get a shower or go out for something. I called you to pick up my kids from school or sit with them when they were home sick from school.  I called you hundreds of times and you were always there, always happy to hear from me and eager to help.

You were my hero, my rock, my home base. You made me feel secure and confident. Nothing was impossible, because I could always call you if I needed you. 

Now you are gone. 

Who will I call if I need help?

I am lost. 

Someday I will find myself again ... perhaps by calling on the 41 years I had with you, and all the strength, love and courage you gave me. 

Love your sunshine

Don't wait ....

Dear Dad,

We were sitting together on that summer evening a few years back, looking out at the muskoka sunset over the lake. I told you that one day, when I am retired, I will spend my days in a setting like this enjoying something creative - painting or making jewellery - doing what I like to do. At that time, I was in a job that brought me no satisfaction.  You surprised me with your firm advice - "don't wait". You told me that there were a lot of things you wished you had done rather than waiting to do when you retired. Like going on a bike tour, maybe through the Cabot trail.  You spoke of regret and that now it was too late for you. It surprised me because you were always of the conservative pursuation - keeping things stable and secure. Not a risk taker. But I heard your advice, loud and clear, and have never forgotten it. 

You died on a Thursday evening. The following days were a blur. Visitors arriving from all parts. Sadness so thick that I couldn't see ahead of myself. Funeral arrangements, phone calls, obituary, sorrow ..... Deep, deep sorrow. Visitation on Monday. Funeral on Tuesday. Goodbyes to visitors.  By the weekend it was silence and emptiness. I went back to work on the Monday. Some thought it was soon and I should take more time but I wanted to get back. I needed a distraction from my new reality. And as you know, I like my "new" job. There is something I am thankful for - that you were alive to see me change jobs to something I enjoy.  I know that it was hard for you to see me in a job I disliked for so long. You advised me not to leave the civil service though - again, your conservative side spoke. I am glad I listened to that. Now I have a job I like, and found my creative pleasures in my on-line jewellery shop, of which you were so supportive.  You were always so supportive of everything I did. Do you know how much strength and confidence you gave me?

I can only hope that now, as a parent myself, that I can give the kids what you and mom gave my brother and I - unconditional love and support. 

What am I going to do now, going forward in life, without you to talk to about things?  No one will listen and love me like you did. I guess I will need to draw on the 41 years I had with you and all the love you gave will carry me through. It won't be easy but it will be ok ................. eventually. 

Love your sunshine