Hi Dad,
This time of year just sucks. It will always suck. As the buds on trees slowly emerge. As the ground thaws and the birds speak up. These things will always remind me of the saddest, scariest, most awful day of my life. The day you left us. I still find it hard to navigate without you. I wish you were here to see so many things, to talk about life, to share experiences. I need your advice on a couple things dad, but you aren't here to talk to anymore. I need to hear your voice. I need to feel the comfort that came with being beside you. Sometimes I can't find it. I even find it hard to remember and I feel so alone.
Yes, for the most part, I am ok. We are all ok. But somedays I am not ok. Today is one of those days.
What is it like wherever you are? Are you comfortable and happy? Are you peaceful and calm? Are you seeing everything that is happening here in my life? Do you see how Mateo is these days? What do you think? Is he going to be ok? What do you think is going on? Is he just being a regular little boy, testing my limits? Or is something wrong? I would really love to hear what you think. I know you would just take him to the park and play catch with him and he would be so happy. You would take away his burdens, his worries, his troubles. You would let him just be a boy, playing ball and goofing around. You would remind him that it is important to be good. You would joke around with him and trick him into doing the right thing. He looked up to you. He loved hanging out with you. You were one person who just played ... just let him be .... it was so easy and simple and nice.
Life is overwhelming me these days. I feel like I am drowning slowly and can't get my head above water. I am scared and lonely and sad. Hopefully it is just today .... and the pain will pass again.
May 8th approaches. Mother's day. I am dreading it. It never really gets any easier.
All I hope is that you are at peace. You deserve that.
I miss you more than I would ever be able to express. It is a deep wound that will never heal.
Love your sunshine ... not so sunny today :-(
