How is it possible that I have navigated this world for one whole year without you? Tomorrow, it will be 365 days since you walked on this earth as my dad. One year since you got out of bed to face another day with hip pain and foot pain and that damn diabetes. Another winter came and went even though you weren't here. I was glad you didn't need to shovel snow or walk the dog in the frigid temperatures. But holy crap, do I ever miss you! It has been a hell of a difficult year. I needed you many, many times. I wanted to call you on a million different occasions. I longed to hear your comforting, calm and most loving voice telling me to give you a call if I needed anything. I walk through life without the bullet proof vest I always had. I swim without a life jacket and often feel like I was am driving without a seat belt. I don't actually drive without a seat belt, of course Dad .... I would never do that.
If there is one thing I have learned it is that I can cope with way more shit than I ever thought I would be able to cope with. I am way stronger than I thought I was. I told Maelyn the other day ... "Look at us! One year without Grandpa and we are ok!". It was an expression of complete shock and true gratitude, actually. I never thought I could live without my dad. I really didn't. I always knew I would have to one day but I couldn't even fathom how that would be possible. But it is. And I am ok, Dad. I am ok without you .... because of you. You taught me so much. So much of which seemed to be hidden somewhere in my unconscious and has emerged as needed over the past year. I see the world a bit differently since you died. I see it sort of through your eyes. You had an inherent sense of kindness and trust of people. Not naïve - in fact, just the opposite. You knew something that not everyone knows. You saw people for who they are and treated them with simple kindness and respect they deserved. It was all so natural and easy with you. You didn't need to advertise kindness or tell anyone else how to live. You just lived it. I am not even sure you knew how good you were ... which was maybe what was so amazing about you.
So, we made it through all the "firsts" ... but I am not convinced the seconds will be any easier. I have given up on waiting for it to be better. Now, I accept that things will never again be the same. My world changed on May 8th, 2014. I lost part of my comfort zone and safety net. I lost the constant pride and support you so easily gave me all the time. I lost the one person in the world I felt I could count on one hundred and fifty percent no matter what. But I slowly gained a whole lot of strength over the year and that sustains me now. You, Dad, transitioned from being physically in my life, to being my strength and guide in life. So I am ok. Some days are still brutally difficult but they are really more moments than days now. And I am ok.
Love your sunshine
