Merry Christmas, Dad.

Dear Dad,

It is Christmas Eve and, like every year, I am sitting by the fire next to the white-lit Christmas tree in your house. Unlike every single Christmas Eve, I am so full of sadness. I miss you so very much. I want to have a beer with you. I want to hear about what you got mom for Christmas. I want to see you out shoveling your driveway. I just want you to be here. 

I didn't know last Christmas was my last with you. It seems unfair that I wasn't given the opportunity to really treasure last year. I wasn't warned about the pain I would feel. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. 

I miss you Dad. 

But .....

I know you would want us to have fun. I know that you would want it to be about the kids. So I will go forth in your memory and do that. Because you did everything for us. 

I love you. 

Merry Christmas, Dad. 

Love your sunshine. 

When will it get easier?

Dear Dad,

Some days, like today, the pain is so heavy that is hard to breath. I miss you more than I ever believed it was possible to miss someone. I am in a lonely, dark place, still trying to navigate this world without you. Barely managing. Amidst all the Chriatmas bustle, I just want one thing. 

I want my dad. 

I want my dad. 

I am not sure how we will get through the holidays without you.  Mom is broken. The kids still miss you terribly. The void you left will never be filled.  Our family will never be whole again. 

Clearly, Dad, I'm having a rough time. You've been gone 7 months and so far, not much is getting easier. Yes, there is an ok day now and then.  But that is all. 

I want my dad. 

Love your sunshine.