Hi Dad,
This time of year just sucks. It will always suck. As the buds on trees slowly emerge. As the ground thaws and the birds speak up. These things will always remind me of the saddest, scariest, most awful day of my life. The day you left us. I still find it hard to navigate without you. I wish you were here to see so many things, to talk about life, to share experiences. I need your advice on a couple things dad, but you aren't here to talk to anymore. I need to hear your voice. I need to feel the comfort that came with being beside you. Sometimes I can't find it. I even find it hard to remember and I feel so alone.
Yes, for the most part, I am ok. We are all ok. But somedays I am not ok. Today is one of those days.
What is it like wherever you are? Are you comfortable and happy? Are you peaceful and calm? Are you seeing everything that is happening here in my life? Do you see how Mateo is these days? What do you think? Is he going to be ok? What do you think is going on? Is he just being a regular little boy, testing my limits? Or is something wrong? I would really love to hear what you think. I know you would just take him to the park and play catch with him and he would be so happy. You would take away his burdens, his worries, his troubles. You would let him just be a boy, playing ball and goofing around. You would remind him that it is important to be good. You would joke around with him and trick him into doing the right thing. He looked up to you. He loved hanging out with you. You were one person who just played ... just let him be .... it was so easy and simple and nice.
Life is overwhelming me these days. I feel like I am drowning slowly and can't get my head above water. I am scared and lonely and sad. Hopefully it is just today .... and the pain will pass again.
May 8th approaches. Mother's day. I am dreading it. It never really gets any easier.
All I hope is that you are at peace. You deserve that.
I miss you more than I would ever be able to express. It is a deep wound that will never heal.
Love your sunshine ... not so sunny today :-(
Monday, April 25, 2016
Thursday, May 7, 2015
I am ok
Hi Dad,
How is it possible that I have navigated this world for one whole year without you? Tomorrow, it will be 365 days since you walked on this earth as my dad. One year since you got out of bed to face another day with hip pain and foot pain and that damn diabetes. Another winter came and went even though you weren't here. I was glad you didn't need to shovel snow or walk the dog in the frigid temperatures. But holy crap, do I ever miss you! It has been a hell of a difficult year. I needed you many, many times. I wanted to call you on a million different occasions. I longed to hear your comforting, calm and most loving voice telling me to give you a call if I needed anything. I walk through life without the bullet proof vest I always had. I swim without a life jacket and often feel like I was am driving without a seat belt. I don't actually drive without a seat belt, of course Dad .... I would never do that.
If there is one thing I have learned it is that I can cope with way more shit than I ever thought I would be able to cope with. I am way stronger than I thought I was. I told Maelyn the other day ... "Look at us! One year without Grandpa and we are ok!". It was an expression of complete shock and true gratitude, actually. I never thought I could live without my dad. I really didn't. I always knew I would have to one day but I couldn't even fathom how that would be possible. But it is. And I am ok, Dad. I am ok without you .... because of you. You taught me so much. So much of which seemed to be hidden somewhere in my unconscious and has emerged as needed over the past year. I see the world a bit differently since you died. I see it sort of through your eyes. You had an inherent sense of kindness and trust of people. Not naïve - in fact, just the opposite. You knew something that not everyone knows. You saw people for who they are and treated them with simple kindness and respect they deserved. It was all so natural and easy with you. You didn't need to advertise kindness or tell anyone else how to live. You just lived it. I am not even sure you knew how good you were ... which was maybe what was so amazing about you.
So, we made it through all the "firsts" ... but I am not convinced the seconds will be any easier. I have given up on waiting for it to be better. Now, I accept that things will never again be the same. My world changed on May 8th, 2014. I lost part of my comfort zone and safety net. I lost the constant pride and support you so easily gave me all the time. I lost the one person in the world I felt I could count on one hundred and fifty percent no matter what. But I slowly gained a whole lot of strength over the year and that sustains me now. You, Dad, transitioned from being physically in my life, to being my strength and guide in life. So I am ok. Some days are still brutally difficult but they are really more moments than days now. And I am ok.
Love your sunshine
How is it possible that I have navigated this world for one whole year without you? Tomorrow, it will be 365 days since you walked on this earth as my dad. One year since you got out of bed to face another day with hip pain and foot pain and that damn diabetes. Another winter came and went even though you weren't here. I was glad you didn't need to shovel snow or walk the dog in the frigid temperatures. But holy crap, do I ever miss you! It has been a hell of a difficult year. I needed you many, many times. I wanted to call you on a million different occasions. I longed to hear your comforting, calm and most loving voice telling me to give you a call if I needed anything. I walk through life without the bullet proof vest I always had. I swim without a life jacket and often feel like I was am driving without a seat belt. I don't actually drive without a seat belt, of course Dad .... I would never do that.
If there is one thing I have learned it is that I can cope with way more shit than I ever thought I would be able to cope with. I am way stronger than I thought I was. I told Maelyn the other day ... "Look at us! One year without Grandpa and we are ok!". It was an expression of complete shock and true gratitude, actually. I never thought I could live without my dad. I really didn't. I always knew I would have to one day but I couldn't even fathom how that would be possible. But it is. And I am ok, Dad. I am ok without you .... because of you. You taught me so much. So much of which seemed to be hidden somewhere in my unconscious and has emerged as needed over the past year. I see the world a bit differently since you died. I see it sort of through your eyes. You had an inherent sense of kindness and trust of people. Not naïve - in fact, just the opposite. You knew something that not everyone knows. You saw people for who they are and treated them with simple kindness and respect they deserved. It was all so natural and easy with you. You didn't need to advertise kindness or tell anyone else how to live. You just lived it. I am not even sure you knew how good you were ... which was maybe what was so amazing about you.
So, we made it through all the "firsts" ... but I am not convinced the seconds will be any easier. I have given up on waiting for it to be better. Now, I accept that things will never again be the same. My world changed on May 8th, 2014. I lost part of my comfort zone and safety net. I lost the constant pride and support you so easily gave me all the time. I lost the one person in the world I felt I could count on one hundred and fifty percent no matter what. But I slowly gained a whole lot of strength over the year and that sustains me now. You, Dad, transitioned from being physically in my life, to being my strength and guide in life. So I am ok. Some days are still brutally difficult but they are really more moments than days now. And I am ok.
Love your sunshine
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Merry Christmas, Dad.
Dear Dad,
It is Christmas Eve and, like every year, I am sitting by the fire next to the white-lit Christmas tree in your house. Unlike every single Christmas Eve, I am so full of sadness. I miss you so very much. I want to have a beer with you. I want to hear about what you got mom for Christmas. I want to see you out shoveling your driveway. I just want you to be here.
I didn't know last Christmas was my last with you. It seems unfair that I wasn't given the opportunity to really treasure last year. I wasn't warned about the pain I would feel. I wasn't ready to say goodbye.
I miss you Dad.
But .....
I know you would want us to have fun. I know that you would want it to be about the kids. So I will go forth in your memory and do that. Because you did everything for us.
I love you.
Merry Christmas, Dad.
Love your sunshine.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
When will it get easier?
Dear Dad,
Some days, like today, the pain is so heavy that is hard to breath. I miss you more than I ever believed it was possible to miss someone. I am in a lonely, dark place, still trying to navigate this world without you. Barely managing. Amidst all the Chriatmas bustle, I just want one thing.
I want my dad.
I want my dad.
I am not sure how we will get through the holidays without you. Mom is broken. The kids still miss you terribly. The void you left will never be filled. Our family will never be whole again.
Clearly, Dad, I'm having a rough time. You've been gone 7 months and so far, not much is getting easier. Yes, there is an ok day now and then. But that is all.
I want my dad.
Love your sunshine.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
6 months later ....
Hi Dad,
We are approaching the 6 month mark of living without you and I can say that it still sucks, a lot. I can't believe that I haven't seen you, or enjoyed a conversation with you in 6 months. I have meagrely navigated life without my beacon that always flashed quietly and steadily in the distance of my daily life. You were always there when I needed you. Now, there is a vacancy that causes sadness, stress, emptiness, loneliness, some anxiety and a great deal of pain.
I don't blog very often. Because it takes me to a very sad and painful place that I need to have the time and emotional capacity to handle. And life is just too busy and demanding to be able to do that very often. The kids keep me busy. Mateo is struggling a bit with his behaviour at school. He has been less than respectful and well-behaved these past months. He has made bad decisions that land him in the principals office. We worry about him and I often wish you were here to talk to him. He has lost one of the most wonderful role models a little boy could ever have. And he is sad. He misses his Grandpa every day. He talks about you every day. He still cries a lot.
I talk to him about integrity and honor. I tell him that those are the things that Grandpa had and that we must all live up to what he was and what he taught us to be. He seems to understand and some days I think he is really trying. I don't really worry for his long term well being because I think he does have a good heart and will find his way. He will always hold his memories of you close to his heart. He talks about when you 'babysat' him on a sick day, just one month before you died. He wasn't really that sick and you spent the day with him and made him do some 'homework' that you prepared for him. While Mateo pretended to think it was unfair, I know he actually enjoyed your pseudo-strict act with him. That day, you made him lunch and told him stories of your days in the RCMP over lunch. You told him about the criminals and the prison at the police station and he listened so intently that he had nightmares that night. That was you Dad, a devoted Grandpa, a passionate ex-RCMP officer, a man of true integrity and honor.
How lucky we all were to call you our own dad, grandpa, husband, father-in-law. You taught us that if you live your life well, you will live on forever.
We are approaching the 6 month mark of living without you and I can say that it still sucks, a lot. I can't believe that I haven't seen you, or enjoyed a conversation with you in 6 months. I have meagrely navigated life without my beacon that always flashed quietly and steadily in the distance of my daily life. You were always there when I needed you. Now, there is a vacancy that causes sadness, stress, emptiness, loneliness, some anxiety and a great deal of pain.
I don't blog very often. Because it takes me to a very sad and painful place that I need to have the time and emotional capacity to handle. And life is just too busy and demanding to be able to do that very often. The kids keep me busy. Mateo is struggling a bit with his behaviour at school. He has been less than respectful and well-behaved these past months. He has made bad decisions that land him in the principals office. We worry about him and I often wish you were here to talk to him. He has lost one of the most wonderful role models a little boy could ever have. And he is sad. He misses his Grandpa every day. He talks about you every day. He still cries a lot.
I talk to him about integrity and honor. I tell him that those are the things that Grandpa had and that we must all live up to what he was and what he taught us to be. He seems to understand and some days I think he is really trying. I don't really worry for his long term well being because I think he does have a good heart and will find his way. He will always hold his memories of you close to his heart. He talks about when you 'babysat' him on a sick day, just one month before you died. He wasn't really that sick and you spent the day with him and made him do some 'homework' that you prepared for him. While Mateo pretended to think it was unfair, I know he actually enjoyed your pseudo-strict act with him. That day, you made him lunch and told him stories of your days in the RCMP over lunch. You told him about the criminals and the prison at the police station and he listened so intently that he had nightmares that night. That was you Dad, a devoted Grandpa, a passionate ex-RCMP officer, a man of true integrity and honor.
How lucky we all were to call you our own dad, grandpa, husband, father-in-law. You taught us that if you live your life well, you will live on forever.
I am grateful for you. You made me happy. You still nourish my soul, Dad, and guide me through life by the lessons you taught me, the way you lived, the man you were.
I love you and miss you so much, still, 6 months later.
Love your sunshine.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
My 'Dad' running playlist
Hi Dad,
I know you would be a bit disappointed to hear that I quit teaching Zumba when you died. You were so supportive of me teaching Zumba .... but well, you were supportive of everything I did. But you see, Zumba requires a lot of positive, happy, energy. And I have not had much of that since you left. I can report now that I am doing ok - most days. I miss you every single day and think about you all the time but I can usually get through a day without tears now. Most days. But back to Zumba - that is done for me. I don't think I will ever be the happy, carefree, dancing soul I once was. But that is ok. After you left, I started running. Yes. Me. As you know, I am no runner. But I found it to be a great release of negative energy, anger, sadness ... all those things that I feel so much more now. I started with running one minute and walking one minute. I found I could go a long way on that rhythm. And now ... get this .... I can actually run about 6.5 km non-stop ... most days :-)
You are so with me when I am running, Dad. I feel you and ... I see you. Down by the river, I often see this Great Blue Heron and somehow, ridiculous as it sounds, I think it is you. You visit me on my run every once in a while and it makes me cry and smile at the same time. I caught a photo of you one morning ....
But what I really wanted to tell you about is my running music playlist. I listen to the same songs every run and each one speaks to me in a special way. So here they are:
Track 1: Everybody has a story by Amanda Marshall
This one just reminds me that I am not the only one who is suffering.
"Everybody's got a story that will break your heart"
My heart is broken. But I am not alone. That is what I take from this song.
Track 2: I Run for Life by Melissa Etheridge
I started listening to this one back in 2006 when you were first diagnosed with Prostate cancer. I started running the father's day 5k run back then and did it every year (except 2007) up until this past year after you died. But the song still lifts me up and reminds me why I run ....
"I run for hope, I run to feel, I run for the truth, for all that real ...."
The song starts out saying "It's been years since they told me about it" ....
I remember that day sitting at the kitchen table in your house and mom telling me that "Dad has cancer". I felt like I would die myself if I lost you. Somehow, I was given another 8 years with you after that .... something I am so grateful for. Someday it will be years since they told me about it ... when they said those horrible words to me "I'm sorry, he is gone". I will never be the same again but hopefully it won't be as painful someday ... someday.
Track 3: Non siamo soli by Eros Ramazziotti and Ricky Martin
Ok, that is just a fun, happy, song by two cute gay guys. It still makes me feel like dancing, even in my sadness.
Track 4: Ni Una Sola Palabra by Paulina Rubio
Another fun one. But this one brings me right back to Madrid in 2007-2008 when we lived there and you and mom came to visit. That was a difficult year and I know that trip was painful for you to make. You hated travelling and had zero desire to go to Spain. But you did it for me and it meant so much. I am not sure you ever knew how much it meant to me, actually.
Track 5: December, 1963 (Oh, what a night) by The Four Seasons
This one make s me imagine you and mom as young adults, meeting for the first time, falling in love, living a carefree, happy life together with so much future ahead of you. It is yours and moms 'era' and I imagine you two laughing, dancing and basking in the possibilities of your future.
Track 6: Inner Ninja by Classified
The run is usually getting harder by now and this song gets me going. It talks about hard times and rising above it all. It is a bit gangster ... but you know me .... :-)
"Hey yo, I've been high and I've been real low
I've been beaten and broken but I healed though
So many ups and downs, roughed up and clowned
We all got problems, but we deal though
I'm tryin' to do better now, find my inner peace
Learn my art form, and find my inner Chi
When my backs on the wall, I don't freeze up
Nah, I find my inner strength and I re-up
Here we go, I know I've never been the smartest or wisest
But I realize what it takes
Never dwell in the dark cause the sun always rises
But gotta make it to the next day
It's a feeling that you get in your lungs when you run
Like you're runnin' outta air and your breath won't come
And you (uh) wheezin', gotta keep it movin'
Find that extra (uhn) and push your way through it"
Track 7: Shine a Light by Jeremy Fisher
This one just lets me know that you are near, and that you will shine your light on me when I need it. It reminds me that I am starting over. That life is completely different now and that I sometimes don't even know what I am looking for. But you ... shine a little light when I need it the most.
"How will you find what you've been lookin' for
If it's nothing that you've seen before
How will you find what you've been lookin' for
If you're starting it over
Starting it over again"
Track 8: Imma Be Cool by Cody Simpson
Ah, a teeny-bopper track. How could I not have one of these? But this one gets to me because it is so Maelyn and it makes me feel close to her when I am running. You would love to hear her singing this to herself in her room. She is cool, Dad.
Track 9: Get out the map by the Indigo Girls
So, here is why this one is in there. As you know, I was an anxious home-body of a child. I got homesick just going to school each day. The reason for that is because you and mom made home such a comfortable, happy, supportive, safe place. So it is your fault. But then, who would have thought it, but off I went to Africa, South America, China etc. ..... once I became an adult. And you and mom were again, so supportive. How blessed I was. Really.
This song reminds me of that, and also reminds me that I need to be that for Maelyn and Mateo. I hope they go off and see the world, take risks and find their true selves. Just like you let me do.
Track 10: O-O-H Child by The Five Stairsteps
I am usually very tired by this time. Sometimes teary too. And I just need to be told that it will get better. When I first heard this song after you left, I couldn't stop crying. I think I didn't believe that things could ever really get better. But just a couple days ago, when I got to this song I actually thought to myself "ok, yes, things are getting a little easier". So there is hope.
"Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter
Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter
Some day, yeah
We'll get it together and we'll get it all done
Some day
When your head is much lighter
Some day, yeah
We'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun
Some day
When the world is much brighter"
Track 11: I'm Alright by Kenny Loggins
Then this one comes on and I am pumped to keep going and finish the run. I don't think there is a song that makes me want to dance as much as this one. It brings me back to 1996 when I moved out of your house to live with Alison. What a time of transition that was. She introduced me to Kenny Loggins and this song. We danced around our little apartment many, many a day.
"I'm alright. Nobody worry 'bout me ....."
Track 12: Summertime of our lives by Cody Simpson
Another Cody Simpson. Maelyn sang this song a lot after you died. She felt the words spoke to her. Even though it is a teenage love song, she would sing it to you with modified words to say:
Wherever you are, no matter how far, I promise that I won't give up on you.
They say out of sight, means out of mind but they couldn't be farther from the truth.
Because I still love you ........ Grandpa
By this time, I am usually nearing the end of the run.
Track 12: Conviction of the Heart by Kenny Loggins
Yes, that's right. Another Kenny Loggins. But it gets me through ....
"One with the Earth, with the sky
I believe we'll survive
If we only try ...."
So that is my dad running playlist. It is very personal and I am quite sure it would not speak to anyone else the way it speaks to me. I makes me feel close to you, thinking positively and moving towards a place of healing. So dad, I will keep running and I will keep an eye out for you each time.
I miss you so much.
Love,
your sunshine
I know you would be a bit disappointed to hear that I quit teaching Zumba when you died. You were so supportive of me teaching Zumba .... but well, you were supportive of everything I did. But you see, Zumba requires a lot of positive, happy, energy. And I have not had much of that since you left. I can report now that I am doing ok - most days. I miss you every single day and think about you all the time but I can usually get through a day without tears now. Most days. But back to Zumba - that is done for me. I don't think I will ever be the happy, carefree, dancing soul I once was. But that is ok. After you left, I started running. Yes. Me. As you know, I am no runner. But I found it to be a great release of negative energy, anger, sadness ... all those things that I feel so much more now. I started with running one minute and walking one minute. I found I could go a long way on that rhythm. And now ... get this .... I can actually run about 6.5 km non-stop ... most days :-)
You are so with me when I am running, Dad. I feel you and ... I see you. Down by the river, I often see this Great Blue Heron and somehow, ridiculous as it sounds, I think it is you. You visit me on my run every once in a while and it makes me cry and smile at the same time. I caught a photo of you one morning ....
But what I really wanted to tell you about is my running music playlist. I listen to the same songs every run and each one speaks to me in a special way. So here they are:
Track 1: Everybody has a story by Amanda Marshall
This one just reminds me that I am not the only one who is suffering.
"Everybody's got a story that will break your heart"
My heart is broken. But I am not alone. That is what I take from this song.
Track 2: I Run for Life by Melissa Etheridge
I started listening to this one back in 2006 when you were first diagnosed with Prostate cancer. I started running the father's day 5k run back then and did it every year (except 2007) up until this past year after you died. But the song still lifts me up and reminds me why I run ....
"I run for hope, I run to feel, I run for the truth, for all that real ...."
The song starts out saying "It's been years since they told me about it" ....
I remember that day sitting at the kitchen table in your house and mom telling me that "Dad has cancer". I felt like I would die myself if I lost you. Somehow, I was given another 8 years with you after that .... something I am so grateful for. Someday it will be years since they told me about it ... when they said those horrible words to me "I'm sorry, he is gone". I will never be the same again but hopefully it won't be as painful someday ... someday.
Track 3: Non siamo soli by Eros Ramazziotti and Ricky Martin
Ok, that is just a fun, happy, song by two cute gay guys. It still makes me feel like dancing, even in my sadness.
Track 4: Ni Una Sola Palabra by Paulina Rubio
Another fun one. But this one brings me right back to Madrid in 2007-2008 when we lived there and you and mom came to visit. That was a difficult year and I know that trip was painful for you to make. You hated travelling and had zero desire to go to Spain. But you did it for me and it meant so much. I am not sure you ever knew how much it meant to me, actually.
Track 5: December, 1963 (Oh, what a night) by The Four Seasons
This one make s me imagine you and mom as young adults, meeting for the first time, falling in love, living a carefree, happy life together with so much future ahead of you. It is yours and moms 'era' and I imagine you two laughing, dancing and basking in the possibilities of your future.
Track 6: Inner Ninja by Classified
The run is usually getting harder by now and this song gets me going. It talks about hard times and rising above it all. It is a bit gangster ... but you know me .... :-)
"Hey yo, I've been high and I've been real low
I've been beaten and broken but I healed though
So many ups and downs, roughed up and clowned
We all got problems, but we deal though
I'm tryin' to do better now, find my inner peace
Learn my art form, and find my inner Chi
When my backs on the wall, I don't freeze up
Nah, I find my inner strength and I re-up
Here we go, I know I've never been the smartest or wisest
But I realize what it takes
Never dwell in the dark cause the sun always rises
But gotta make it to the next day
It's a feeling that you get in your lungs when you run
Like you're runnin' outta air and your breath won't come
And you (uh) wheezin', gotta keep it movin'
Find that extra (uhn) and push your way through it"
Track 7: Shine a Light by Jeremy Fisher
This one just lets me know that you are near, and that you will shine your light on me when I need it. It reminds me that I am starting over. That life is completely different now and that I sometimes don't even know what I am looking for. But you ... shine a little light when I need it the most.
"How will you find what you've been lookin' for
If it's nothing that you've seen before
How will you find what you've been lookin' for
If you're starting it over
Starting it over again"
Track 8: Imma Be Cool by Cody Simpson
Ah, a teeny-bopper track. How could I not have one of these? But this one gets to me because it is so Maelyn and it makes me feel close to her when I am running. You would love to hear her singing this to herself in her room. She is cool, Dad.
Track 9: Get out the map by the Indigo Girls
So, here is why this one is in there. As you know, I was an anxious home-body of a child. I got homesick just going to school each day. The reason for that is because you and mom made home such a comfortable, happy, supportive, safe place. So it is your fault. But then, who would have thought it, but off I went to Africa, South America, China etc. ..... once I became an adult. And you and mom were again, so supportive. How blessed I was. Really.
This song reminds me of that, and also reminds me that I need to be that for Maelyn and Mateo. I hope they go off and see the world, take risks and find their true selves. Just like you let me do.
Track 10: O-O-H Child by The Five Stairsteps
I am usually very tired by this time. Sometimes teary too. And I just need to be told that it will get better. When I first heard this song after you left, I couldn't stop crying. I think I didn't believe that things could ever really get better. But just a couple days ago, when I got to this song I actually thought to myself "ok, yes, things are getting a little easier". So there is hope.
"Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter
Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter
Some day, yeah
We'll get it together and we'll get it all done
Some day
When your head is much lighter
Some day, yeah
We'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun
Some day
When the world is much brighter"
Track 11: I'm Alright by Kenny Loggins
Then this one comes on and I am pumped to keep going and finish the run. I don't think there is a song that makes me want to dance as much as this one. It brings me back to 1996 when I moved out of your house to live with Alison. What a time of transition that was. She introduced me to Kenny Loggins and this song. We danced around our little apartment many, many a day.
"I'm alright. Nobody worry 'bout me ....."
Track 12: Summertime of our lives by Cody Simpson
Another Cody Simpson. Maelyn sang this song a lot after you died. She felt the words spoke to her. Even though it is a teenage love song, she would sing it to you with modified words to say:
Wherever you are, no matter how far, I promise that I won't give up on you.
They say out of sight, means out of mind but they couldn't be farther from the truth.
Because I still love you ........ Grandpa
By this time, I am usually nearing the end of the run.
Track 12: Conviction of the Heart by Kenny Loggins
Yes, that's right. Another Kenny Loggins. But it gets me through ....
"One with the Earth, with the sky
I believe we'll survive
If we only try ...."
So that is my dad running playlist. It is very personal and I am quite sure it would not speak to anyone else the way it speaks to me. I makes me feel close to you, thinking positively and moving towards a place of healing. So dad, I will keep running and I will keep an eye out for you each time.
I miss you so much.
Love,
your sunshine
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
"What will it be without you"
Dear Dad,
Mateo misses you. He wrote this letter to you and said he was going to put it out by the bird feeder and that you would answer him. It is so hard to lose such an incredible grandfather, role model, protector .... someone who gave so much unconditional love. He has wonderful memories with you. It is just that none of us understand "how it will be without you". Not yet anyway.
Love your sunshine.
xo
Dear Grandpa,
If you get it when I pray
If you see me from up there
I miss you and I love you
You loved me and cared about me
What will it be without you?
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